Back in America

You know, I think I felt unsafe for my entire life, you know, up until I guess, you know, I hit almost 50. I think I had to be broken so I could be used.

I'm Stan Bertelot, and this is Back in America. Today I host Hilary Porter, a leading mindset expert and life architect who helps people design a career and life they love. She combines neuroscience based mindset coaching to shatter the mental limits and provide strategy and a framework for an epic life. Hillary travels across the globe not only speaking on stages both domestically and internationally but also where she helped fortune 500 CEOs, professional motorsport as well as prosport think formula one driver, NFL to level up and become unstoppable. However, life hasn't always been easy for Hilary.

She went through some very dark times but that's where she learned the power of resilience and choice and has turned her loss into leverage. Welcome to Back in America, Hilary.

Thanks so much, Diana. I certainly appreciate it.

So I read on your website that you rewire people's minds to help them change and grow. What exactly do you do?

I know, I get that question all the time. Really, I get to teach my clients and really walk with them on really how to harness the power of the mind. I am an advanced psych K practitioner. What we do is we go in and reprogram actually the belief that's been limiting, and give it a new belief, one that will serve and create a limitless and an unstoppable mind. Not only help kind of reset, recalibrate, it's kind of like updating an app on your phone, right?

It fixes all the bugs and then it operates really amazing. So that's what we do. And then we also give them a new strategy and a framework and really kind of help them carry that through so they can live like a, you know, again, more of a let's 10x your life, man, in all ways.

Well, now let's rewind to your early days. Tell me about your childhood, your parents, your siblings, if you have any. Where did you grow up? You know, what was it like to be a 10 year old Hillary?

Oh my, okay. Well, I'm just a girl who- I came from Tennessee, and obviously they're very southern still. You can kind of hear some the accents still left in my voice. I grew up on a farm actually, riding a horse, exploring that world. You know, on the outside, gosh, it looked absolutely phenomenal, right?

You know, big farm horses, really just travel a lot doing really great things. I guess it was kind of like the country club life on the outside. But on the inside it was anything but truthfully. My father was really successful, traveled a lot. He was a venture capitalist and very entrepreneurial.

My mother, beautiful but extremely disturbed. Was diagnosed with bipolar. And you know, my brother, he was a drug addict actually, and he had issues after issues, and there was always some calamity going on in the home. So, while it's really pretty on the outside, it was anything but. You know, I was also, had abuse.

I suffered molestation early from a family member, an extended family member. You know, I grew up very performance based. We had to dress for dinner at certain times. We entertained a lot, so it was one of those things that, like I said, it looked very good on the outside, but there was a lot of darkness on the inside. You know, I never felt enough, because when you grow up performance based, right, you have these things and you seem to look for love in all the wrong places.

Right? You know, anything just so you can belong, so you can feel something. I mean, I think I felt unsafe for my entire life, up until I hit almost 50. And so, yeah, but okay, so I say all these things, but the reality is, I wouldn't change a thing, because again, it forced me to dig deep, kind of pull back the curtain and get really wrong, and it makes you develop grit. I come from a corporate background.

It's also so tied into mindset. I think that's why I do what I do now, because in the end, I worked my ass I'm not going to lie. I my ass off. I climbed that corporate ladder. Within four years I made SVP.

I was managing Harvard MBAs, and even though I didn't even have my own degree at the time, I had grit, I had determination. Now I could have limited myself and said, Oh god, I'll never be an SVT. I don't have that degree, you know, all that kind of thing. But again, it's what you believe and how you act upon that.

Yeah. We are going to get to that in a minute, Hilary. Let's stay a bit longer at that time in Tennessee. You said you got abused at a young age. How old were you and who was it?

I would rather not say just protect the family member, but it was it started at six, and it went on till about twelve.

With the same person? Or

Yes. Mhmm.

And you said you were looking for love at the wrong place.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, think then and I think it's probably a fairly common, thing with people who have had, you know, sexual abuse that, you know, you're filled full of shame. You live from such a place of shame that you never feel worthy, you never feel enough. Know, because you have this quite little dirty little secret, right? And I think, again, now looking back and kind of connecting some of the dots, I see how that pattern, again, made me choose, actually it made me choose my husband, my first husband.

And that ended very badly.

Yeah, we are also going to talk about that in a minute. That first tab use, did you get any help, or did you deal with it on your own?

Oh, no. No. No. Okay. So I didn't get help until I was actually in college.

Yeah. I went to a psychologist who then recommended me go to a psychiatrist to get some medication because that's the way it worked back then. Unfortunately, during one of our sessions, we were talking about the abuse that had happened, and he actually made a pass at me, and that was it. Again, it kind of reinforced I was thinking that that must be all that I would be worth.

That's incredible.

Yeah, it was. I just didn't want to go back, and I didn't want to deal with having to explain that to my parents, because then they would think, what are you doing? All that kind of thing are you being provocative? Are you whatever? Of course I was not.

I was just trying to get help. I was trying to make sense of it all. So that was it.

Yeah. That didn't help pretty much.

No. Didn't help.

And so I read that you went through a very tough divorce.

I did. Did. You know, I was married for seventeen years, and I would love to say it was like the kind that was in the magazine, but the truth was it was not. I married. I was later to get married.

A lot of my friends had already been married. I was in corporate, and it was fun, but I was almost 27, and I met this man. I was getting ready to go to Italy to go work, and my girlfriend said the very last minute, Hey, let's go to the beach. And so, okay, we went to the beach one last time because I was getting ready to leave. I actually met him at the beach and just thought he was just fantastic and romantic and all these things.

Yeah, was just the weirdest thing. So it was a whirlwind romance, to be honest. I'd never been really, guess wooed. Like that, right? And so it was both flattering and exciting, and made me feel all the things that I'd always wanted to feel, So I didn't go to Italy, and I ended up moving down.

He had one semester of college to go left, and moved down to be with him and started our new life. So we married within a year. There were a lot of lessons there, just an enormous amount of lessons. We both did consulting, so we were on the road for years. We didn't have the normal of foundational that was really strong, and so it was kind of we just traded information, which I think happens a lot in some marriages.

Was he also an abuser?

Yes. Yes, he was actually. We we had we had a lot of lot of issues.

And and again, as you said earlier on, it's very classic. Right? For someone who's been abused to end up marrying an abuser.

Yes. And you know, you play from a baseline of shame, right? And so you think and you take it on yourself, you're like, there just must be something so inherently flawed with me that not only I had this happen and grew up, and then of course I'm in this relationship now. So again, it turned into a really high conflict divorce, and it was just really very challenging.

I read somewhere that on some of the days you felt that the fetal position was the best choice for you. What do you mean by that?

Yes, it was true. I think that everybody that goes through a period of separation and divorce, there's that kind of, Oh shit, now what? I've dedicated seventeen years. I tried to do everything right, honor someone that was really dishonorable at the time. And then you think you're overwhelmed and you're kind of swallowed whole with, you know, this is everything is new.

You know, I'm suddenly now an outcast, I'm divorced. Know, you have to start over. You have this stigma around you, you know, even in the church. Know, I had crazy experiences that people didn't even want me to sit next to their husbands, even in church, because I was divorced. It's ridiculous.

But there was just so much new and so much going on, and because it was such a high conflict divorce, I was sitting there trying to normalize the children, and do it the best I can, but I was faced with what? Do I go back to corporate? And there's always a prospect with that, while you make fantastic money. And it's also an eighty hour, at least a week commitment travel, so then I wouldn't be able to see my children. So there's all this kind of, who are you now?

Because your identity was wrapped up in being married and having this unit and friends and community wise and everything else, so everything is new and it just comes at you really hard at times. Especially if there's a lot of infidelity, which is what I dealt with. There's that component as well that goes back to that, well, you were just really not enough. So there was a lot of voices in my head that were going on at the time, Stan, and you do, you find yourself in that fetal position. And the truth is, and I'm not going to lie, there were times that I wanted to end it.

I mean, totally. I thought, oh my gosh, it's just so painful. Extremely painful, think, if I I could just end it, maybe the kids would get the insurance money, and then they would be alright.

So talk to me about your kids. How old were they at the time?

At the time, my youngest was one and a half, and my oldest was 10. 10.

Did anybody help you at the time?

You know, I was involved with CHARGE. I used to run a women's ministry and did a lot of nonprofit as well. You become a different person when something like that happens. Mean, really do. You obsess, you ruminate, you It's just so engulfing, you know, and especially if not an amicable one.

And so, you tend to lose some that were not really true friends. And so you have to mourn some of the loss of that during that time as well. And so you feel even more isolated. But to get to your point, yes, I absolutely had some support, but the longer that it goes on, the support lessens. Because of it, it's just exhausting.

It's exhausting for you, it's exhausting for your friends because they hate to see you in this spot, but they don't know what to do. And really at the time, you just have to go through it.

And how long did that last?

Oh my goodness. In North Carolina, our law dictates that we are separated physically for a year before you can even begin to file for the divorce period, so there was a year of just torture, know, on top of this uncertainty and all this stuff like that. And then it took about another eight months, I think. Don't quote me on that, but I think it was, you know, in that so it's almost two year process, you know, by the time that we got everything, you know, worked out, but it was back and forth.

So here you are. You've been abused as a child.

Yes.

You try to seek help from a psychologist when you were in college and saw that the guy was, you know, hitting on you.

Yep.

You got married from what you thought was going to be very romantic old marriage, turn out to be an abusive situation from which you are fighting a divorce. You find yourself reclused, sort of outcast by by the church, by your community. How did you manage to go through that?

I had a conversation with my daddy, and he looked at me one day and he said, I think you've forgotten who you are. I don't know, it was just like a mat truck hitting me all at once. Initially I felt embarrassed, right? Because I turned into this completely opposite person than I was. I would apologize if I ran into the table.

Would apologize to the table. Everything was, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for breathing. So I went from that because I was really strong in corporate, who does that? Who goes from zero to 60 in four years to SVP level and around the world and managing million dollar initiatives?

So I mean, I went from being this strong woman to just niffle and whiny. It was like, listen, girl, you know, kind of find yourself. This is this is not who you are. And it was the wake up call, I think, because I was he was dead on. I had forgotten who I was.

And I think that's very common when you go through some kind of traumatic event. You really forget who you are. And sometimes for many of them, many people, I believe that you might not even know who you were to begin with. So many people fall into, you know, they fall into school, they fall into a career, they fall into love and marriage and children, and without even blinking an eye, and then they're like, wait a minute, this is this is not, it doesn't feel right. Know?

I

think This really interesting. Yeah.

Yeah.

And so how did you act on that?

Well, okay. Since I did Consulting for those years, my mind is it naturally goes to strategy, right? And so I had also been really devouring. I'm a voracious reader, and so I was really looking into psychology, cognitive behavioral therapy. I was looking into EFT, I was looking into neuroscience.

I've spent the last ten years doing a serious deep dive. I really had to go back and find myself first. And so I threw kind of everything I knew from a cognitive and a neuroscience standpoint mixed with my strategy and said, okay, let's get on a whiteboard here. Let's go into a room and let's figure this out. And so I hate to say it, I kind of put myself in what I would put myself in my client's seat.

And I just, you know, I really figured it out. Figured out who I was, what my strengths were, what my weaknesses were, what the opportunities I had before me, what were the things that derailed me, and how to mitigate that. And then what I really wanted. So I architected it very carefully. So I rebuilt.

I discovered for the very first time really who I was, and it was a beautiful journey.

Which lasted?

That lasted not it was actually really quick. It was about a couple of months because I mean, when I I deep dived. You know, just really I dived in. And so once I once I had all the clarity, right, and I knew who I was, I knew what my non negotiables were, knew where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, then I just executed. Going back to my consultative years, I was able to execute, right?

And I planned my work and I worked my plan.

And that's what triggered all your research, your reading, your rewiring yourself, right?

It really did. Yeah.

And that sort of brings us to where you are today, isn't it?

Yeah.

Tell me, how does your own experience you know, where do you see the the match between what happened to you and and whom you've become today?

Oh, wow. Okay. So I think and and I say this often. I think I had to be broken so I could be used. And because you in order to really serve well and serve deep, you really have to have experienced it.

Looking at that like being pissed off is not a strategy, right? It's just not. And so, coming from that place, you know, I know it well, and I know the frustrations, I know the fear, right? So I think that that's one of the other reasons that a lot of my clients, while they might not know my story all the way, they know instinctively that I see them, you know, and that I am for them. And that I will, I'm in the foxhole girl, man, I will do everything I possibly can to ensure, that not only that they gain clarity, but that they do have a strategy and framework so that they can quickly learn how to pivot and recalibrate themselves.

So talk about your work a little bit. What are the key steps? You know, to me, it's still pretty vague. Reprogramming, rewiring. It looks like you are doing computer programming, and we know that the mind is way more complex than a computer.

So, you know, what are the steps? What does it mean to reprogram someone?

Well, okay. So here's the deal. You have to understand that there's not just one specific kind of client that I have, right? I get to work in so many different kinds of ecosystems, so every day is very different. This is why learning the mind and having because everybody has all these commonalities that we share, right?

It's so funny because a lot of the work that I do with C levels of organizations, I mean in Fortune 500, they're They're human. Think people forget because they have this big title, right? Or they're in the NFL, right? Or I deal with film and producers and actors. I get to play in a lot of different ecosystems.

Because of that, some people think because of their titles that they have it all together. But there's more imposter syndrome going on than you wouldn't believe, and there's people that are, like me, that kind of bought into the lies and created this identity for themselves that is really holding them back. When I say I want to shatter those mental things that limit you, I really do. I really want to get in there and do that because a lot of times when I'll get people, they've been in therapy for years, which a couple of things. And I want to say this first, I have the utmost respect for therapists and what they're trying to do because I think that the majority have been hurt before, they understand, so that's why they go into that field.

They really want to help, right? Majority of them, and I know several of them actually. Several of them have been my clients who have actually transitioned from therapist to coach. I know that part as well. But what happens is that it creates deeper ruts the longer you stay in.

And so I'm not one that is going to be promotive. Hey, let's revisit this and let's stay in the same place. What is it, Albert Einstein said, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is just insanity, and I totally believe that. And so, everybody has different things that limit them. From drivers to CEOs, everybody's got something that scares you, that keeps you playing small.

Like I said, I could have so easily said, oh, because I don't have a degree, I'm not going to ever be able to be successful in corporate America.

How do you find what the trigger might be?

No. I guess, in truth, I've been doing this so long. I love people, and I just love to hear their stories. I to I can see patterns and trends real quickly. Some of the people have been told so long, Oh, well you'll always have this, or it has to be this way, or this is the way it is because it's been in your family for so long.

And it's just so incorrect, right? But I do think people are more afraid to really look at different modalities, it's a quick, why not try it? I mean, I've been in therapy for this and that for so many long times they'll say, and they've never been able help us. Let's just try this. And then in fifteen minutes, boom, twenty minutes they're like, What in the world?

What's

That's fantastic.

It is. It brings me a lot of joy to be able to, again, kind of walk in that sacred space, but to hold in their hand while they're doing that transformation. And that letting go, there's a beautiful part of letting go and surrendering.

I started introducing you saying that you spoke at conference internationally, locally and internationally. What do you speak about?

You know, I speak on a lot of different topics, but most recently, everything from the DNA of a servant leader to this CEO mindset, that's not necessarily just for CEOs, right, because most people don't realize that they're the CEO of themselves, and of their family, and of their community, of wherever they are. They're really the CEO. So, I talk also about being wrecked to redeemed. I I give lots of different talks. I am actually holding an event upcoming in May, May in the Cape Area Cape Cod, and it's called Unstoppable.

So we talk about being limitless and you know unstoppable and what that really looks like and how to flip your script.

Well, you definitely look unstoppable to me. Are getting at the end of this interview and I still want to ask you a few questions. Sure. I realize that as you were going through all that tough time, you were able to build a network of women that have helped you and that you still cherish that relationship that you've built over the years. Can you tell me how important it is for you, a successful businesswoman, to have that support group?

Well, okay, so I'm just going say that this is one thing that I teach all my clients. It's the importance of tribe. Okay? And it's really the importance of picking your tribe well. Because you're always going to play to the weakest link, truly.

And so you really have to surround yourself, not only by like minded people, but people that are actually that can iron sharpens iron, right? And so you want to continually be champions for each other and to grow each other. So that's really important to get that tribe more than anything. So how do you do it? Right?

And that's one of the questions that always comes up is like, how the hell do you get a tribe? Because, you know, I may be outgrowing my tribe, right? Because that's a possibility that happens a lot. Or, maybe as more vulnerable and courageous as you become and own yourself and step fully into yourself, it makes everybody else uncomfortable in your tribe because it forces them to have to do that kind of deep under the hood work, right? So finding your tribe is really critical.

Are different places to try to find it, obviously. There's everything from clubs and organizations, there's religious organizations, there's all kinds of different ways, professional networking groups even, can find your people in different spots because it's really critical. And you'll know it when you find it. I know this sounds crazy, but even, I guess it's been a little over a year ago, I built a closed Facebook group, and it was for life after divorce, man. God called me to do that, I was like, I don't want do this.

I've a busy practice. He's like, No, you've got to teach people how to rebuild, reinvent, and reemerge. I'm like, Okay. I was kind of a reluctant leader, but I'm so glad I did because within the first forty five days, we ended up having 1,500 people globally, I mean from about eight countries represented in this closed Facebook group, and we had like 20 some thousand posts.

Wow.

So you can see that the reaction and fellowship and true sisterhood, it's really just birthed so many beautiful friendships, deep friendships, and people fly to see each other, And it's, I mean, it's really just very unique. And so, yeah, it grows. It's so funny. It just keeps on growing every day.

So do you believe that for a woman to be successful in today's business world, women have to surrender themselves with other women?

Yes, I do. You know, and and also and not just with women, but I think one of the things that I think I've really been noticing, and and I'm gonna stand really firm on this, is I think that the more honest and vulnerable and courageous you are, and that you step into yourself fully, you'll draw the people that you need, that can help you. And because those are the people that you can do real with, we help lift each other, whether it be a man or a woman. I have amazing friendships with men that they're like a family now, right? And they've been clients and they've turned into family, and you used see my house around Thanksgiving.

It's just insane. So it is, I think it's very important to do that. I think one of the biggest takeaways, I guess, I want everybody to understand is that you have to be so intentional, not only about how you architect your life, but learn yourself, right? I guess that's the very first thing, learn yourself. I mean, Socrates said it, learn thyself, right?

You just have to learn yourself. Once you learn yourself and have clarity, then you've to learn who you want to be around. Because again, you're to take the pieces from that, and it's going help build you as well. Okay? So after you do that, then you can go out and just serve the world with all of that.

And that really helps.

Thank you. Wow. Very interesting. One question I always like to ask is, do you have any books or movies or even TV series that you would recommend?

Oh, yeah. Okay. So one of my favorite series is on Netflix, and it's called The Kindness Diaries. And I don't know if you've ever seen it or not, but I highly recommend this. I make all my clients watch it.

And not going be a spoiler. I just want you all to look it up. And there's two seasons, and they're absolutely fantastic. I will say that another one of the books that I recommend is by Andy Andrews, and it's called The Noticer. It teaches you how to to notice and to look around and and what how you can show up.

Doctor.

Well, thank you for sharing your story. It has been amazing. It's been enlightening. Thank you so much. Doctor.

Thank you. I certainly appreciate

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